As of late, I have taken to making different types of jewelry that require me to think, as a distraction from what is really happening. I make them whenever I can not keep my mind from going where I wish it not to be. Where does my mind go? To the pain, to the anger, to the darkness.
Mornings I wake, I am slow to rise from bed and shower, as my body is so tense from the night of pain. Once I get showered, the nausea hits so hard I feel if I breathe I will empty my already empty stomach. I lay on my back, on the yoga mat, and do my PT stretches to help loosen the IT band in my thigh, hoping for relief from that pain. I can't sit in certain positions now, due to the IT band pain syndrome and the bursitis in my hips, these days. PT only seems to anger it more, and place me in pain for days after a session.
By late morning I am in need of a quick nap, depending on how bad the pain and exhaustion are at the moment. Even drinking caffeine does nothing to wake me, taking vitamins, nothing seems to ward off the "must sleep now" feeling. In the afternoon I try to do as much as possible to keep up the house or work.
At night, the pain is unbearable. I take anti inflammatory medications, even a pain pill if needed, they do little to put me to sleep, or to help with what I am feeling. My hips burn with pain, my insides from my belly button to my inner thighs ache with every move. I feel like someone is inside, twisting, pulling, zip tying everything together. Yes, even after a hysterectomy, even after excision, I am fighting. I get tired some days, of fighting, of having to say, yes I walked to the mail box, but I still feel like shit.
Everyone has a cure for my endometriosis. Eat this, don't eat that, do this, don't do that. Really? Do you think if there were something that cured this, we would all be on top of it and be doing it?
This is why I get so angry with the debates on medications, big pharmo, Dr's blah blah blah... People don't understand to me, they are saying "there is nothing wrong with you, that pain is not real, it is just the Dr wanting money." I freaking WISH!
Words of frustration from a woman tired of waking up and knowing that the day will hold pain, either now or later. Knowing that it will likely hit while I am driving, that pain, that feels like someone just stabbed three huge knives into my pubic bone and just above it. I will double over the wheel, do everything I can to breathe through the pain and drive. I refuse to give up anything more to this disease(s), so I continue with life as much as I am able, even if it means having to pull off the road until and attack passes. Lately, I find I get a twinge of pain in the left lower abs, and then a full on flare of "WTF was that??" pain. And yet, I tell it to kiss my ass, I am going to do whatever it is I wanted to do.
Keep trying Endometriosis and your evil little twin sister IC, but you will not, can not stop me. I will find a way, always, to live my life. And I will show up in March and I will march against you, unified with those like me, and I will enjoy it, as everyone there will understand!
Endo March 2015
My biggest goal set to date.
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