My Nephew Was Murdered.

My Nephew Was Murdered

I am not sure I've ever spoken all that in one sentence out loud, before. My 1 year 10 day old nephew was murdered. Taken from this life, on purpose. Not in a car accident, not by a mistake, but murdered. Murder, that is two loved ones in my life that were taken from me in such a way. My nephew, a sweet, round cheeky boy, with the most beautiful blue eyes. He just took his first steps, had his first Halloween, he and my son were 15 days apart in birth. My nephew was murdered.

Someone made the decision to end his life, take his ability to grow up, grow old, and experience everything he could in life. He was murdered. He didn't die from old age, he didn't have poor health, he didn't choose to leave, he was taken. By who? Well, we all have our thoughts on that subject, but truth is, we do not know, and we may never know.

When we learned a few months after his death, when the reports arrived, that it was a homicide, I didn't want justice, I was not screaming for the head of whoever was responsible. I knew that them serving jail time, or being put to death, would serve as nothing to my heart. I wanted to know one thing. WHY?
What motivated a person to crush enough painkillers to kill more than one adult, and give them to a one year old cheeky little boy? What kind of monster does this, then attends his funeral as though they loved him. I say that, because everyone with access to him was at his funeral. I remember standing up on the stage to deliver the speech and poem my sister requested I compose, and seeing faces of everyone that "loved" him, and everyone that was close to him, that day, the last day. I looked at them as I spoke wondering, who and wanting to just blurt out.. WHY????

October 25,2003 my nephew celebrated his big one year birthday. November 4,2003 he left this world at the hands of a cruel person.

Why am I sharing this. Because you parents need to listen up. You need to understand that your ONE job in this world is to protect your children!

Garrett was left with the next door neighbor, a friend of my sister, and his regular babysitter. A known pothead and allegedly a dealer of narcos. His father was in another city after a accident requiring a hospital stay. His mother, my sister, took Garrett to the sitter next door, and asked them to keep him overnight. She wanted to drive to OKC to see the father. The next day, the sitter went to wake him, he had an ear infection so he had meds that my sister left for him to take, and they were not concerned that he "didn't seem right" because of the infection. The husband checked on him and saw he was blue. He was gone.

My sister did indeed go to OKC, but never went to see the boyfriend/father, she instead went to her mother's and no one knew that. No one could get ahold of her to tell her. She arrived home late that night and the sheriff told her.

What happened? I don't know. I do know, that my sister left her child with a drug addict, and a person she herself had purchased drugs from in the past..... so the point.... if you have a child, and you can't be responsible, give it to someone that can. Before that child ends up in a two foot long casket. They should not make them so tiny. If you see a child who is in danger, alert the authorities. Save a child from torment, abuse, and possibly death. DO SOMETHING. And for pete's sake, protect your children. Do your job!

On The Path To Healing

While endometriosis currently lacks a cure, I have, since September 2013, taken many steps to help lessen the pain. My journey has not just been physically damaging, it has been emotionally damaging as well.

Learning of different diagnosis, on top of the already endo and adeno, was very scary. But at each turn I kept telling myself, " I can do this, it was always there, I just didn't know it had a name." The most frustrating parts, are the illnesses caused by the treatment of the endo. Lupron, hysterectomy, surgery (times three) and procedures. Now I am step by step getting better, getting stronger. During my hysterectomy and excision in the last year, I have lost a lot of core strength. That is partly why I am going to physical therapy, I am also hit with Greater trochanteric bursitis, bone density loss, and blood supply loss to the bones. I am working in PT to strengthen my core, to keep my hips in the right position and keep my pelvis from tilting, or twisting again. I am also trying to rid myself of Iliotibial Band Syndrome. Once I get these things completed, life will be much easier to manage.

It truly helps that my physical therapist has a sister and her mother who have endo and adeno, so she is so sweet, so understanding and when I groan from pain, she says, "Keep going, or quit today?" My reply is always "Let's make this my bitch." She smiles and she keeps pushing me until I am ready to fall from exhaustion. It is a good thing. Many would stop, afraid to hurt me more, or out of pity. I don't want pity, I want LIFE.

So PT twice a week, everyday at home, and water therapy three days a week. Continuing my diet to try and limit things that set off my endometriosis and my IC. But more than just working on getting my physical well being back, I am working on getting my emotional back as well.

What those who are closest to me know, is how much trauma, emotionally I have been through since September of 2013. I am just now starting to talk about the full extent of what all had taken place. I spoke openly about the loss of my cousin, who was essentially my twin growing up. She as brutally murdered by her abusive boyfriend. Then, the extremely painful loss of my Morgan to cancer early July. I never dreamed how much that would hurt. I felt as though I lost my own child. So much has been effected by her death. Death, what a final word to speak. Going to football games has lost it's excitement for me, it was where I met her, where I spent time with her. I sit in my seat in the stadium, and find myself looking where she should be, and she is not. I attend PT at the hospital where she spent, well most of her life, and where she passed away. I am still trying to make my world stop spinning from this loss.

The rest of the emotional pain, I still do not speak out loud to many, though some of you have been wonderful in listening, and advising on the matter. I truly appreciate those that have. I am still coming to grips with the reality of the last year, but I am trying to face it all head on. But that is rather difficult.

The last week, I have been told something that I guess I needed to hear. "I understand." Those two words were very powerful. Not that no one has said that, but it is usually followed by more words of how to get over it, to get better and such. This was very simple. "I understand." I am grateful to this person for their addition in my army of supporters. Not people who sugar coat things, or lie to me, but people who understand and help when it's needed.

So the message today is.. I am healing. I am going to be okay. I am making Endometriosis and all other diseases my bitch.

Life As I Knew It

So, it has been a while since I have updated my journal. Reason for that being, I had a lot to come to terms with. In the last month I have seen two orthopedic doctors, my endometriosis specialist, my PCP, had an MRI, a GI specialist and a urologist. So, July 29th, Dr. Frye did my endometriosis excision and adhesion removal surgery.  I still had a lot of pain, which we learned was from a bladder condition called Itersistual Cysitis (IC). After trying everything I could, including medication I was allergic to, we decided to try a cystocopy to relieve the pain and look for hunters ulcers.

I attended the opening game for Oklahoma State Football August 31, upon returning I had burning and pain in my hip so badly I could not walk. After seeing my PCP and seeing a specialist, then the MRI then another specialist, we found several things happening. I have osteoarthritis in my hips, more so the left than the right. I have brutisis in the hip as well. A large amount of time released steroid was injected into my left hip, inside the joint, to help with the inflammation. There I learned I have arthritis in my back as well. Then the diagnosis of degenerative disc disease came yesterday. Something I have feared most of my adult life, as my father had this, and I watched what it did to him.

Life as I knew, is how I titled this entry. Why? Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of my mother figure, Mama Lizzy, losing her battle with cancer, and the next day I met Morgan, who lost her battle of cancer early July of this summer. I looked at the date, then thought how long ago that was. Long ago? No. Only three years, but it seems a lifetime ago. So much has taken place in those three years, that is just felt so different, so long ago. I was going through several rounds of testing for allergies, bone marrow aspiration and biopsy, and sickness after sickness. Though it was a great year as well. Our football team was breaking records every game, we went to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona, stayed at a beautiful resort. Things were great. Everyone in our group healthy and happy and enjoyed the trip and the game more than we ever had before.

Now, I open my eyes to today. I've lost my Lizzy, I've lost my Morgan, my health gets scarier with every Dr visit. We don't go on group trips because our dearest Tessa is now fighting for her life in her own battle with cancer. So much has taken place in three years, life altering events, illnesses, loses. I keep waiting for the room to stop spinning and things to slow down, just for a moment. But, that won't happen. I must find my footing in this spinning world, and hold on tight to those that support me and help me stand up when the world is trying to force me down to my knees.

Everyone has those moments, where you look back on your life and you kind of thought, wow, did all this really happen? I myself had that moment last week. When a Dr looked at my medical chart and then at me with, what was that on his face, concern? Pity? Kindness? When he spoke, something inside me just, moved. It seemed his words were hitting deeper than anyone's had ever hit before. He asked, "What's it like not being able to do the things you used to do? Frustrating?" I looked down at the floor and replied "Angering, frustrating, it sucks." He then asked "I look at your history, I see PCOS, Adenmyosis, Endometriosis, Intersitual Cysitis, now arthritis in your hips, and back. These are all chronic pain illnesses. They don't go away, and they don't stop hurting you." I said. "It's okay, we all have our issues." He then asked "How are you doing with all of this. Because you have been through a lot." As he continued to ask questions his final statement was "I am here for you, to help you, and I don't know if anyone ever told you this, but you have been through hell, and it's okay to stop and catch your breath, those around you will hold you up until you can stand again."

Those words, that conversation, that man struck a chord that no one had dared to go to before.  Now, I have spent the last week thinking about what all he said, everything he asked, and answering them only to myself. So, how am I doing with everything? Well, I have my good days, mostly I am still me, but I have my days where I just want to have a pity party. Those days I work extra hard to find a way to kick my own ass and get moving. One day, maybe I will be able to tell the truth about how I feel, in all depths of this adventure. But, right now, I can't bring myself to let those thoughts go past my mind to my hands to type, or to my lips to speak.

I go forward, collecting diagnosis after diagnosis, at least now I know what all I am fighting. And if you have read this far, then you will be one of the few to know that a month ago I had a biopsy done in some areas of my skin to learn that I have skin cancer as well. It is treatable, and I am currently going through those steps. If you saw my calendar on G Plus a few days ago, every Friday is a treatment.

Life as I Knew it, has changed, but so have I. And with each turn I adapt, I change, I become what and who I need to be to survive and to remain kind, loving, and open minded. Love to you all. And thank you for your support. Always!