Hello my lovelies, It has been a while, this I know. But as you all know, it takes a lot to actually sit down and type when flares hit. Thank goodness for my mini desk,tablet, and Bluetooth keyboard, else this post may not be made.
What's happening? What's been happening?
Well, as my last post stated I had an ultrasound on the 17th. I am also trying one last ditch effort to keep my ovary by trying new meds. Basically, I am giving my poor Dr a chance to feel he did everything he could before he took it out and changed my life for worse and may not even help with the endo.
Ultrasound
I arrived at the Dr for my ultrasound, and it took a long time. They were having pc issues, so I had to wait. While waiting and talking to a friend and nurse there, a bird flew into the window near us and slid down the window, RIP lil fluffy guy. I told her I though maybe this was a sign I should not do the ultrasound. Finally, they were able to get me in to take a peak at what has been going on. Now before you ask, no endo can not be seen on ultrasounds, scans or even x rays. The only way to see it, is surgery to see with the human eye.
So we began with the traditional ultrasound, on the lower pelvic area, to locate the lonely ovary and to look around a bit. This was difficult, so they went to the not so fun trans vaginal ultrasound. I started to panic at that point. I hate those being done, for whatever reason. I tried to relax as I laid back and let her do her job. Just inserting the wand had me in pain, she put a numbing cream on it and waiting a few minutes and tried again. But the pain was not local, it was internal. I began to breathe through the pain, and she kept telling me how sorry she was, but she wanted to get pictures of everything all over. At one point I began to shake from the pain, she brought in a nurse to help me by holding my hand and helping me breathe through the pain. 30 minutes later they were helping me redress and explaining the first look findings of the ultrasound.
My right ovary, my only ovary, is stuck to the pelvic wall. This explains so much of the pain in that area, and the feeling of my pelvis/hip feeling like it is being ripped from my body when I sit then stand. It also explains the pain that drops me to my knees when I ovulate. She did not find any cysts, thankfully, and upon first look no sign of endometrial cancers or masses.
I was instructed to drive straight home, take pain meds and rest. She informed the Dr that she'd not encountered anyone have that much pain from the ultrasound. Thank you endo for making my life so unique. Later that day when I woke, I could barely walk, lifting my legs was all but impossible. The pain lasted a few days.
Emotionally
I came to a very real, and very solid understanding that I think I've been holding off since this all started. I am not a normal functioning woman. I am not even a fully intact woman. I can not have a child if I wanted to. When I looked at that ultrasound on the screen, it was 3D and nice, but there was nothing there. No parts I had before, what made me a woman is gone, I've gotten so used to seeing those parts in many ultrasounds, that I missed seeing them. They are gone, and they were taken with a promise I would be better. Now I don't have my lady parts, and I am worse off then I was when I had them. They were mine, and they are gone. I am young, and I do not have the necessary parts in my body to create what my body needs to stay healthy.
Another understanding came, and it's not a huge one, but just another thing lost to this damned disease. If that little wand caused so much pain, up to now not being able to have sex has been a mystery, now it is a solid no way in hell. So, endo gets my lady parts, my hormones, my day to day life, my ability to be active in my life and with my children, my job, my sanity at times, and even takes my ability to function as a lover.
These are not easy things to come to terms with. No one could just say, Oh s well it's okay, I'll just live with it. Bullshit, I refuse to just live with this. I refuse to let this grow in my body and consume my lively hood. I am young, I am a mother, I will regain my health, somehow. I just don't know how yet. Until then, I'll be curled up on the sofa with my blanket, my poli, and holding on to my sanity.
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