Life As I Knew It

So, it has been a while since I have updated my journal. Reason for that being, I had a lot to come to terms with. In the last month I have seen two orthopedic doctors, my endometriosis specialist, my PCP, had an MRI, a GI specialist and a urologist. So, July 29th, Dr. Frye did my endometriosis excision and adhesion removal surgery.  I still had a lot of pain, which we learned was from a bladder condition called Itersistual Cysitis (IC). After trying everything I could, including medication I was allergic to, we decided to try a cystocopy to relieve the pain and look for hunters ulcers.

I attended the opening game for Oklahoma State Football August 31, upon returning I had burning and pain in my hip so badly I could not walk. After seeing my PCP and seeing a specialist, then the MRI then another specialist, we found several things happening. I have osteoarthritis in my hips, more so the left than the right. I have brutisis in the hip as well. A large amount of time released steroid was injected into my left hip, inside the joint, to help with the inflammation. There I learned I have arthritis in my back as well. Then the diagnosis of degenerative disc disease came yesterday. Something I have feared most of my adult life, as my father had this, and I watched what it did to him.

Life as I knew, is how I titled this entry. Why? Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of my mother figure, Mama Lizzy, losing her battle with cancer, and the next day I met Morgan, who lost her battle of cancer early July of this summer. I looked at the date, then thought how long ago that was. Long ago? No. Only three years, but it seems a lifetime ago. So much has taken place in those three years, that is just felt so different, so long ago. I was going through several rounds of testing for allergies, bone marrow aspiration and biopsy, and sickness after sickness. Though it was a great year as well. Our football team was breaking records every game, we went to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona, stayed at a beautiful resort. Things were great. Everyone in our group healthy and happy and enjoyed the trip and the game more than we ever had before.

Now, I open my eyes to today. I've lost my Lizzy, I've lost my Morgan, my health gets scarier with every Dr visit. We don't go on group trips because our dearest Tessa is now fighting for her life in her own battle with cancer. So much has taken place in three years, life altering events, illnesses, loses. I keep waiting for the room to stop spinning and things to slow down, just for a moment. But, that won't happen. I must find my footing in this spinning world, and hold on tight to those that support me and help me stand up when the world is trying to force me down to my knees.

Everyone has those moments, where you look back on your life and you kind of thought, wow, did all this really happen? I myself had that moment last week. When a Dr looked at my medical chart and then at me with, what was that on his face, concern? Pity? Kindness? When he spoke, something inside me just, moved. It seemed his words were hitting deeper than anyone's had ever hit before. He asked, "What's it like not being able to do the things you used to do? Frustrating?" I looked down at the floor and replied "Angering, frustrating, it sucks." He then asked "I look at your history, I see PCOS, Adenmyosis, Endometriosis, Intersitual Cysitis, now arthritis in your hips, and back. These are all chronic pain illnesses. They don't go away, and they don't stop hurting you." I said. "It's okay, we all have our issues." He then asked "How are you doing with all of this. Because you have been through a lot." As he continued to ask questions his final statement was "I am here for you, to help you, and I don't know if anyone ever told you this, but you have been through hell, and it's okay to stop and catch your breath, those around you will hold you up until you can stand again."

Those words, that conversation, that man struck a chord that no one had dared to go to before.  Now, I have spent the last week thinking about what all he said, everything he asked, and answering them only to myself. So, how am I doing with everything? Well, I have my good days, mostly I am still me, but I have my days where I just want to have a pity party. Those days I work extra hard to find a way to kick my own ass and get moving. One day, maybe I will be able to tell the truth about how I feel, in all depths of this adventure. But, right now, I can't bring myself to let those thoughts go past my mind to my hands to type, or to my lips to speak.

I go forward, collecting diagnosis after diagnosis, at least now I know what all I am fighting. And if you have read this far, then you will be one of the few to know that a month ago I had a biopsy done in some areas of my skin to learn that I have skin cancer as well. It is treatable, and I am currently going through those steps. If you saw my calendar on G Plus a few days ago, every Friday is a treatment.

Life as I Knew it, has changed, but so have I. And with each turn I adapt, I change, I become what and who I need to be to survive and to remain kind, loving, and open minded. Love to you all. And thank you for your support. Always!